WASHINGTON: In a breathtaking development that makes all prior bailout, rescue and stimulus plans including TARP Plans 1 through 15 pale by comparison, Palm Springs and Palm Desert Lawyer Sebastian Gibson today unveiled a 250 Trillion Dollar Bailout Uber-Rescue Plan and Stimulus (known both as BURP and BURPS) designed to give a boost to the nations troubled and often misunderstood lawyers by rescuing the heart of this countrys economy, its lawyers who, like much of the nation are depressed and stressed-out like never before.
While Congress which has been split down partisan lines over each of the previous bailout and stimulus plans proposed so far, with many of the Senators being former lawyers, Congress is said to be almost unanimous in their hunger for a plan like BURP. For the first time, Congress could come together to the dinner table in our countrys time of need to help feed our nations overburdened and unappreciated lawyers.
It remains unclear, however, whether President Obama, himself a lawyer, will be willing to sign the legislation once the House and Senate pass BURP. Speaking on condition of anonymity, a spokesman said, BURP may simply be too much to swallow.
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Using language only somewhat similar to what has been used by the nations Treasury Secretaries, but in some ways more graphic, Palm Desert Lawyer Sebastian Gibson stated that having BURPS could repair the part of our countrys anatomy that is in a word, most constipated. Warning that the nation faces the most serious economic crisis since lawyers went into depression in the 1930s, Sebastian Gibson said that BURPS are necessary to get the guts of this economy, its lawyers, functioning again. BURPS, he said, are necessary to get toxic matters, unemployed attorneys, out of the nations overburdened financial system, before the economy and the system shuts down completely.
Unlike TARP, which some have criticized for not having released sufficient funds, BURP is actually comprised of a number of smaller BURPS focused on various segments of the legal community such as personal injury lawyers, divorce lawyers, criminal lawyers and government lawyers. Designed this way to provide maximum relief, BURP has been praised for having at the center of its plan, these simultaneous releases (both large and small BURPS) designed to get the economy moving again before the financial system in this country shuts down completely and the recession becomes a full-blown depression.
It has taken Palm Springs Attorney Sebastian Gibson who comes from main street USA to be hailed as perhaps the one American with a vision that could actually stimulate the economy, applauded the broad support for BURP saying it was essential to have a BURP after all the other stimulus and rescue plans that have been causing so much gas among Americans and Congress. Without BURP, this build-up could have allowed the worst crisis in our history, to become a catastrophe, blasting away any hope of recovery.
The BURP plan includes help for legal victims of this gas build-up with over 47 Billion for health services including tax credits for the purchase of medications to prevent and relieve future financial indigestion and an 82 Billion credit for stomach relief medications for those already suffering from the bloating, cramping and other medical issues brought on by this crisis.
While some members of the media, notably those on Fox News, questioned the sanity of spending this amount of money to save this countrys lawyers from losing their jobs and bankruptcy, Palm Springs Attorney Sebastian Gibson reminded the detractors of the plan that there are now more lawyers than you can shake a stick at.
Speaking at a press conference, Gibson said, Right now, dysfunctional attorneys are like gallstones in the nations bowels. If all the lawyers in this country were to go on the unemployment lines, unemployment in this country would swell like an inflamed or overripe prostate, and eventually explode, causing panic in the streets and around the world.
While there was no comment from Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner about BURP, it was believed that many of the staff at Treasury were wondering why no one at the Treasury department had spit up a BURP plan of their own.
As BURP was being digested by Congress, Palm Springs and Palm Desert Lawyer Sebastian Gibson was said to be working on a more effective plan designed to help the nations financial system by discharging all of the CEOs of major financial institutions. Known only as BARFS (Bailout And Rescue of the Financial System), details are expected to be released next week.
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